Lovergirl Syndrome Pt.1

Dear Diary,

Today I want to talk about boys. More specifically, the very recent realization that I am apparently an attractive individual. This was honestly shocking news to me because growing up, I was the girl boys would “fake ask out” as a joke just to embarrass me. Very humbling. Very character-building.

Which is funny, because I have always been such a romantic. I mean, how could I not be? I was raised on 2000s and 2010s Bollywood movies. Dramatic love confessions, slow-motion staring, songs in the rain, men crossing oceans for the woman they love… obviously I was doomed. And for a girl who wasn’t allowed to date—and still isn’t—romance was basically all I fantasized about growing up.

I was definitely a little bit of an ugly duckling during my early teenage years. I went to a Catholic high school, which meant uniforms every single day. Tragic, honestly. I didn’t really start using my appearance as a form of self-expression until after high school. I got contacts, started spending way too much money on clothes, and when I didn’t have money, I’d just go shopping in my sister’s closet instead. I started teaching myself how to do makeup at eighteen, and honestly, I still have days where I have no idea what I’m doing. But I think I’ve gotten pretty good at making myself look cute when I want to.    But, after my "glow-up," I suddenly went from being the girl that boys would be embarrassed of, to one they chased after. I wasn't used to this type of attention, and I'm still not, to be completely honest. This lack of experience has caused me to be a bit naive when it comes to men,

    For example, I started talking to Boy #1 right after New Year's of this year. Let's call him Al. Now at the time, Al lived in a city around forty minutes away from me. We met on Hinge (aka the bane of my existence.) Al was my first ever, real talking-stage. He would flirt with me constantly, always compliment me, and we had a lot of the same values and outlooks on life. After about a month of texting, I got impatient and asked when he was finally going to come and see me. He gave me a vague answer, and me being naive at the time, I believed him. This would go on for a total of 3.5 months. I found out that he was still living with his ex-girlfriend. He told me he wasn't fully over her (no shit), and so we had an "argument" and decided to cut things off romantically, but still remain friends. I was very heartbroken over this, since this was my first time ever talking to a guy. 

live footage of me after we stopped talking

    Then came Boy #2. Let's call him Calvin. I started talking to Calvin right after Al and I broke things off to try and distract myself. Now Calvin is very attractive. This was the first time all my friends have agreed that a guy I like is attractive. That's gotta mean something. Calvin lived around twenty minutes away from me, and was eager to see me. I got my wisdom teeth out right when we first started talking, so he waited a whole two weeks to see me. We finally made plans, and he came and picked me up. This was my first time hanging with a guy in a romantic setting. I was incredibly nervous. We get food, talk, and walk around a mall. We get back to his car, and it's quiet for a few moments. He leans it. I quickly stop him, and tell him that I don't know how to kiss. He smiles and says, "Don't worry baby, I'll teach you," and kisses me. It was a good first kiss, to be honest. He coaches me through it, and soon enough I'm on his lap and we're making out! Did I mention that it was also raining outside, and he had Chase Atlantic and Arctic Monkeys playing in the background? It was everything my fourteen-year-old self imagined. 

in this exact position! (minus the driving).

    We hang out again the following week. This time, he takes me to this mansion that he's housesitting for. Now, this is where the story takes a turn. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a virgin. It's not like I'm waiting till marriage or anything, but I want my first time to be with a boyfriend, not a "talking-stage." Calvin knew this. He takes me up to his room, and things get...spicy. He teaches me how to do some things. But, I stop him before we go all the way. He understands. We spend the rest of the night watching movies and kissing. He stops texting me three days later. I got ghosted. It was my first time getting ghosted, and it was my first time doing anything physical with a guy. So yes, I crashed out. After a busy month of crashing out, recovering, and swearing I was done with men approximately twelve different times, I decided to go back on the app.

Clearly, I had not learned my lesson.

To be continued…

xoxo, Keke♡