The Art of Being the Cool Girl ♡

 or: how i learned to ask for nothing and still ended up disappointed.

Dear Diary, 

    I've always considered myself a pretty understanding girl.

    Busy with work? I get it. School is stressful? Trust me, I understand. Can't text me throughout the day? That's fine, we all have lives outside of our phones.

    At least, that's what I tell myself.

    And for the most part, I mean it. I don't expect a man to dedicate every waking moment to me. I have my own responsibilities, my own friends, and my own life to worry about. I understand that people get busy, that relationships require patience, and that not every moment of silence is indicative of something going wrong.

    But lately, I've started to wonder something.

Am I actually as laid-back as I claim to be, or have I just gotten really good at pretending that things don't bother me?

    Because there's a difference between being understanding and being afraid to ask for more. And I'm starting to realize that I've spent a considerable amount of time confusing the two.

the girl who doesn't ask for much

    I think I've always wanted to be the kind of girl who's easy to love.

    Not necessarily the prettiest, funniest, or most interesting girl in the room. Just the girl who makes someone's life a little easier. The one who understands when he's busy, gives him space when he needs it, and doesn't turn every little inconvenience into an argument.

    The cool girl, essentially.

    She's independent. She's patient. She's never clingy, never demanding, and certainly never the kind of girl who asks, "Why haven't you texted me?"

    And I think, somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that being this girl would make me more desirable.

    After all, who wouldn't want someone who understands them?

    Except I've started noticing that whenever I genuinely like somebody, I become hyperaware of how much of myself I'm allowing them to see.

    If I miss him, I hesitate to say it.

    If something bothers me, I spend an embarrassing amount of time deciding whether it's even worth bringing up.

    If I want more attention, I remind myself that he's busy and that I should be grateful for whatever time he can give me.

    And if I do eventually say something, I feel the need to soften it with a hundred disclaimers.

    I'm not trying to pressure you.

    I know you have a lot going on.

    I don't expect you to text me all the time.

    I promise I'm not upset.

    Sometimes, I wonder who I'm trying harder to convince. Him or myself.

being understanding vs. being convenient

    Something I've had to confront recently is the possibility that my understanding nature can become a form of self-abandonment.

    Which is a difficult thing to admit, because I genuinely value being considerate of other people's circumstances.

    I never want to be the person who makes someone feel guilty for having a life outside of me. I don't believe that love should require someone to sacrifice their ambitions, friendships, or personal responsibilities.

    But I've realized that I can acknowledge somebody else's circumstances without completely dismissing my own feelings.

    A person can be genuinely busy, and I can still feel neglected.

    Someone can have a perfectly reasonable explanation for their behavior, and I can still be hurt by it.

    Both things can be true.

    And yet, whenever I find myself in that situation, my first instinct is rarely to ask whether I'm happy with what's happening.

    Instead, I try to understand why it's happening.

    I analyze his schedule, his responsibilities, his stress levels, his previous experiences. I come up with explanations for behaviors that leave me feeling confused or disappointed.

    And before I know it, I've become so preoccupied with understanding him that I've stopped considering myself.

    It's almost funny, really.

    I can extend an unbelievable amount of grace to someone I'm interested in, but the second I want something in return, I start questioning whether I'm being unreasonable.

the fear of being "too much"

    I think this is where my anxious attachment starts showing itself in ways that aren't immediately obvious.

    When people think of anxious attachment, they often imagine someone who's constantly calling, texting, or demanding reassurance.

    But sometimes, at least in my experience, it looks like the complete opposite.

    Sometimes it looks like staring at a message for twenty minutes because you're afraid of sounding needy.

    Sometimes it looks like pretending you're perfectly fine with an arrangement that secretly makes you unhappy.

    Sometimes it looks like giving someone space they never explicitly asked for because you're terrified of becoming a burden.

    I don't necessarily think I have a problem expressing affection. If anything, I have an abundance of it to give.

    What I struggle with is expressing disappointment.

    Because affection feels relatively safe. Telling someone you miss them or want to see them can be sweet, even flattering.

    But telling someone they've hurt your feelings? That requires a different kind of vulnerability.

    It means admitting that their behavior affects you.

    It means giving them the opportunity to decide whether your feelings are something they care enough to address.

    And I think that's what scares me.

    Not necessarily the possibility of an argument, but the possibility that I'll finally express what I need and discover that the other person simply doesn't want to give it to me.

    So instead, I tell myself that I don't need much.

    Because it's easier to pretend I don't want something than to ask for it and be disappointed.

and where has that gotten me?

    Here's the part that really bothers me.

    Despite all the effort I've put into being patient, understanding, and accommodating, I've still found myself disappointed.

    I've still been left confused.

    I've still spent nights overthinking conversations, rereading messages, and wondering what I could've done differently.

    And that's when I started asking myself a question that probably should've occurred to me much sooner.

If I'm doing everything I can to make sure someone doesn't feel pressured by me, who's making sure I feel secure with them?

    Because I think I've spent so much time trying to be someone else's peace that I've forgotten relationships are supposed to bring me some peace, too.

    I shouldn't have to rehearse a perfectly worded message just to express a perfectly normal feeling.

    I shouldn't have to convince myself that wanting consistency is equivalent to being clingy.

    And I certainly shouldn't have to make myself smaller to keep someone interested.

    The irony is that I did all of this because I was afraid that asking for too much would push someone away.

    But sometimes, they leave anyway.

    And then I'm left wondering why I spent so much energy pretending I was okay with things that were hurting me.

maybe i'm not as chill as i thought

    I like attention.

    There. I said it.

    I like good morning texts, random updates throughout the day, spontaneous phone calls, and knowing that somebody is thinking about me.

    I like reassurance. I like affection. I like consistency.

    I like feeling wanted, and not just when it's convenient.

    And I don't think any of those things make me unreasonable.

    Of course, I understand that nobody can provide those things constantly. I don't expect perfection, and I'm certainly not expecting someone to read my mind.

    But I do want to feel comfortable expressing those desires without immediately worrying that I've become too much to handle.

    I think the goal isn't to stop being understanding.

    It's to stop using understanding as an excuse to ignore my own needs.

    I can be patient without waiting indefinitely.

    I can respect someone's schedule without accepting a relationship that leaves me feeling lonely.

    I can give someone space without convincing myself that I don't deserve their time.

    And perhaps most importantly, I can express disappointment without apologizing for having feelings in the first place.

retiring the cool girl

    I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to be an understanding partner. It's a quality I genuinely like about myself, and I don't want to lose it.

    But I do want to stop treating my emotional needs like they're an inconvenience.

    Because the more I think about it, the more ridiculous the whole concept of being the "cool girl" becomes.

    Cool according to whom?

    The guy who doesn't have to worry about disappointing me because I'll convince myself that his behavior is understandable?

    The guy who never has to ask what I need because I've made a point of pretending I don't need anything?

    Or me, the girl who's silently upset but would rather overanalyze the situation than risk having an uncomfortable conversation?

    I'm beginning to think that being easygoing isn't always the virtue I've made it out to be.

    Sometimes, it's just fear dressed up as maturity.

    And maybe the version of myself I should be striving toward isn't the girl who never asks for anything.

    Maybe it's the girl who can ask for what she wants, accept the answer, and walk away if it isn't enough.

    Because I don't want to spend the rest of my dating life being so afraid of losing someone that I end up losing myself instead.

    And if expressing my needs makes me a little less "cool," then so be it.

I'd rather be honest about what I want than be endlessly understanding about what I'm not getting.

xoxo, Keke♡