The Fear of Being Too Much and Not Enough at the Same Time

on overthinking, self-worth, and the exhausting art of trying to be lovable.

Dear Diary,

    I've come to the conclusion that being a girl is an incredibly confusing experience.

    More specifically, being a girl who thinks a little too much, feels a little too deeply, and somehow manages to convince herself that both of those things are character flaws.

    I've noticed that I have this weird, contradictory fear of being both too much and not enough at the exact same time.

    Too emotional. Too sensitive. Too attached. Too talkative. Too needy. Too dramatic.

    But also?

    Not pretty enough. Not interesting enough. Not successful enough. Not fun enough. Not good enough.

    And somehow, I'm expected to find a happy medium between the two. Preferably while looking cute and pretending I have my life together.

    It's exhausting.

The Art of Making Yourself Smaller

    I think a lot of us have mastered the art of editing ourselves depending on who's around.

    You know what I'm talking about.

    You want to send another text, but you don't want to seem clingy. You want to tell someone that something they said hurt your feelings, but you don't want to seem overly sensitive. You want reassurance, but you don't want to be the girl who constantly needs it.

    So you don't say anything.

    You pretend you're unbothered. You convince yourself that you're being dramatic. You type out an entire paragraph explaining how you feel, stare at it for five minutes, and then delete the whole thing in favor of an "lol it's okay."

    (Spoiler alert: it was not okay.)

    And the strangest part is that sometimes nobody even asks us to make ourselves smaller. We just do it preemptively, because we've convinced ourselves that being easy to love means being easy to deal with.

    But when did having feelings become an inconvenience?

The Constant Fear of Falling Short

    Here's where things get particularly annoying.

    While I'm busy worrying about being too much, there's another little voice in my head telling me I'm not enough.

    And this one is arguably worse.

    Because how exactly do you measure whether you're enough for someone?

    Is it about being prettier? Funnier? Smarter? More interesting? Less emotional? More mysterious?

    There's always going to be someone who seems to have something you don't.

    Someone who's effortlessly beautiful. Someone who's naturally confident. Someone who never seems to overthink a single interaction. Someone who can walk into a room and immediately become everyone's favorite person.

    And even when I genuinely admire those girls, I sometimes catch myself wondering what they have that I don't.

    Which is ridiculous, because their existence doesn't somehow diminish mine.

    I know that.

    Intellectually, at least.

    Emotionally? We're still working on it.

The Impossible Balancing Act

    I think the most frustrating part of this whole thing is how contradictory it is.

    I want to be loved for exactly who I am, but I'm also terrified that who I am might be the reason someone leaves.

    I want to be vulnerable, but I don't want anyone to have enough power over me to hurt me.

    I want to be someone's first choice, but I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard to be chosen.

    I want to be understood without having to explain myself, but I also spend an absurd amount of time making sure nobody knows just how much I'm feeling.

    Make it make sense.

    And I think this contradiction extends beyond dating, too.

    Sometimes I worry that I'm not doing enough with my life. That I'm falling behind, that I should be accomplishing more, experiencing more, becoming more.

    But then, when I try to do everything, I get overwhelmed and feel like I'm failing at all of it.

    It's like there's this imaginary version of myself that I'm constantly competing with. She's prettier, more disciplined, more confident, emotionally secure, and somehow manages to get eight hours of sleep every night.

    Personally, I find her a little irritating.

Maybe I'm Not the Problem

    I've been thinking about why I care so much about being perceived a certain way.

    And I think a lot of it comes down to wanting to be accepted without having to earn that acceptance.

    Because when you're constantly worried about being too much or not enough, you start treating your personality like something you need to optimize.

    You adjust how much affection you show. You monitor how often you text. You replay conversations to make sure you didn't say something embarrassing. You try to become whatever version of yourself you think someone else will like best.

    And somewhere along the way, you forget to ask yourself whether you even like the person you're becoming.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to improve yourself. Growth is important, and being self-aware is a good thing.

    But there's a difference between growing because you want to become a better person and changing because you're afraid the person you already are isn't worth loving.

    I'm starting to think I've confused the two more often than I'd like to admit.

A Little Reminder to Myself

    I wish I could end this entry by saying I've completely overcome these insecurities and now walk around with an unshakable sense of self-worth.

    Unfortunately, this is a personal blog, not a work of fiction.

    I still overthink. I still compare myself to other people. I still occasionally convince myself that one slightly different texting pattern means somebody has lost interest in me.

    But I'm trying to remind myself that I don't have to spend my entire life walking the tightrope between being too much and not enough.

    Maybe I'm allowed to be sensitive without being weak.

    Maybe I'm allowed to want reassurance without being needy.

    Maybe I'm allowed to be ambitious without having everything figured out.

    And maybe, just maybe, I'm allowed to take up space without constantly worrying about whether I've earned the right to be there.

    I don't need to be everybody's favorite person.

    I don't need to be the easiest person to love.

    I don't need to be the prettiest, funniest, smartest, most interesting girl in every room.

    I just need to be someone I can live with. Someone I actually like.

    And if I'm being completely realistic, that's probably going to take a little more time.

    But hey, I'm only 21.

    I've got time.

 xoxo, Keke♡