last virgin standing.

on turning 22, invisible finish lines, and feeling like everyone else got the memo.

dear diary,

well, it's official.

i am the last virgin standing.

and no, i'm not being dramatic. okay, maybe a little. but seriously. my best friend, hannah, recently lost her virginity, which means that i am now officially the last virgin in our friend group.

the last one. the final survivor. the sole remaining member of a club that nobody even knew we were in.

and before anyone gets the wrong idea, i am genuinely so happy for her. obviously, when she told me, my first concern was making sure she was okay, that she felt comfortable, and that everything went well. because that's my best friend, and her happiness and well-being will always come before anything else.

but after the initial excitement wore off, i was left with this weird feeling.

not jealousy, exactly. because i'm not jealous of her. i'm not upset that she had this experience before me. i'm happy that she did.

i think i'm just sad that i haven't.

and i hate admitting that.

i turned 22 last week. twenty-freaking-two. and for some reason, being a virgin at 22 feels so much different than being a virgin at 21. which makes absolutely no sense, considering that i was literally 21 a few days ago. it's not like some magical switch flipped at midnight on my birthday.

but suddenly, i feel like i'm running out of time.

time for what? i couldn't tell you.

it's not like there's a deadline. it's not like the virginity police are going to knock on my door on december 31st and arrest me for failing to complete some imaginary rite of passage.

and yet, there's this tiny voice in the back of my head telling me that i need to lose my virginity before the year is over.

why?

literally, WHY?

i've spent years telling myself that i wanted to wait until i had a boyfriend. not necessarily until marriage, not necessarily until i found the love of my life, but until i was with someone who genuinely cared about me. someone who made me feel safe, wanted, and comfortable. someone i could trust with something that, to me, felt pretty intimate.

and i never really questioned that decision.

until now.

because here's the thing: none of my friends waited for a boyfriend. and they're fine. they had their experiences, made their decisions, and moved on with their lives. losing their virginity wasn't this monumental, life-altering event that permanently changed who they were.

so why have i been treating mine like it has to be?

why does my first time have to mean something?

and, more importantly, does it actually have to mean something to me, or have i just spent so long telling myself that it should?

now, here's where things get a little more interesting.

i recently started seeing someone new. for the sake of this blog, we're going to call him Boxer Guy, or BG for short.

because, well, he's a boxer. very creative, i know.

anyways, BG and i have chemistry. like, actual chemistry. the kind where you genuinely enjoy talking to someone, flirting comes naturally, and kissing them doesn't feel like an awkward performance.

and yes, he knows i'm a virgin.

he didn't make it weird, which i appreciated. in fact, at one point, he offered to be my first.

and i told him i'd think about it.

except, here's the funny part.

i wasn't actually thinking about it.

at least, not seriously.

i liked him, i was attracted to him, and i definitely wanted to see him again. but losing my virginity to him wasn't something i was actively planning. i was perfectly content with letting things happen naturally, whatever that meant.

and then hannah told me her news.

and suddenly, BG's offer started sounding a lot more tempting.

which is exactly what concerns me.

because did i suddenly become more comfortable with the idea of having sex with him? or did i just become more uncomfortable with the idea of being a virgin?

those are two very different things.

and i think that's the question i need to answer before i do anything.

i don't want to have sex just so i can say i've had sex. i don't want my first time to be motivated by some imaginary competition that nobody else even knows we're participating in.

but i'd also be lying if i said that part of me doesn't want to get it over with.

and even typing that feels strange.

get it over with.

as if it's some tedious assignment i've been procrastinating on. as if my virginity is a problem that needs to be solved. as if there's something inherently embarrassing about being 22 and inexperienced.

i know, logically, that there isn't.

i know that being a virgin doesn't make me childish, immature, undesirable, or less of an adult. i know that sex isn't some magical gateway into womanhood. i know that nobody becomes a completely different person just because they've slept with someone.

but knowing something logically and actually believing it emotionally are two entirely different things.

and emotionally?

i feel behind.

it's such a stupid way to describe it, because behind what?

behind my friends? behind society? behind some invisible timeline that says i'm supposed to have experienced certain things by a certain age?

i'm not even sure.

i just know that sometimes it feels like everybody around me has been living this whole other life that i haven't gotten to experience yet.

and i'm still standing at the starting line.

the irony is that i've never really been someone who was desperate to lose her virginity. i've had opportunities. i've met guys who would've been more than willing. it's not like i've been sitting around waiting for someone to finally find me attractive.

i've just always wanted it to feel right.

but now i'm questioning what right even means.

does it mean being in love? being in a relationship? trusting someone? being physically attracted to them? feeling comfortable enough to be vulnerable?

could it just mean wanting to?

and if that's enough for other people, why wouldn't it be enough for me?

i think part of growing up is realizing that the rules you made for yourself at sixteen don't necessarily have to apply at twenty-two.

but i also think there's a difference between genuinely changing your mind and abandoning your own boundaries because you feel pressured.

and right now, i'm having a hard time figuring out which one i'm doing.

because if hannah hadn't told me she'd lost her virginity, would i still be seriously considering BG's offer?

probably not.

and that tells me something.

maybe this isn't really about sex at all.

maybe it's about turning 22 and feeling like i'm supposed to be further along in life than i actually am. maybe it's about watching my friends collect experiences and milestones while i'm still trying to figure out where i fit into everything.

maybe it's about wanting to feel grown up.

which is funny, considering how much of my life lately has been spent feeling like a teenager trapped in an adult's body.

and perhaps being the last virgin in the friend group is just another reminder of that feeling.

another thing that makes me wonder why everyone else seems to be moving forward while i'm still standing in the same place.

but i don't want my first time to be something i do out of insecurity.

i don't want to look back on it and realize that the deciding factor wasn't the person, the chemistry, or even my own desire.

it was the fear of being last.

and maybe i don't need a boyfriend. maybe i don't need some grand romantic declaration or a candlelit bedroom straight out of a romance novel. maybe my first time doesn't need to be this perfectly scripted, life-changing experience.

but i do think i deserve to make that decision because i want to, not because i feel like i have to catch up.

there's a difference between being ready for sex and being tired of being a virgin.

and i think i'm only just starting to understand that.

so, will i lose my virginity before the end of 2026?

honestly, who knows.

maybe i will. maybe i won't. maybe it'll be with BG. maybe it'll be with someone i haven't even met yet. maybe i'll end up waiting for a boyfriend after all.

but i hope that whenever it happens, it's because i genuinely want that experience with that person.

not because another year is ending.

not because all my friends have already done it.

and definitely not because i feel like i'm losing some invisible race.

because maybe being the last virgin standing isn't actually a bad thing.

maybe it just means that my story is moving at a different pace.

and even though the impatient, insecure, newly twenty-two-year-old part of me absolutely hates that answer...

i think i need to learn to be okay with it.

after all, there's no trophy for finishing first.

and there shouldn't be any shame in finishing last.

xoxo,

keke ♡